Never Send A Man/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Now, this may come as a shock to a lot of you, but, you know, progress isn't always a bad thing. For example, they have that e-mail, on the internet now, where you can keep in touch with loved ones without having to blow 50 cents on a stamp. And the best thing I like about e-mail is that you have a filter on there so you can keep junk mail out. So I'm thinking wouldn't it be great to have that kind of a filter on your normal mail, something that would allow the government cheques to come in, but would filter out the flyers trying to sell me a timeshare in afghanistan? So here's what I've come up with... To help sort the regular mail I've got a belt sander lying on its side. It takes up a fair bit of room, which means all my incoming mail has to stay vertical, which is important, because back here I've made a second door, but it's only as high as your standard letter-size envelope. See, junk mail tends to be larger. I guess so they can put pictures of big things on it, like amphibious cars or mobile homes or ed mcmahon's head. So now all I got to do is turn on my belt sander to receive my mail. Incoming. Okay, and now to get rid of my junk mail, all I got to do is hit the reverse switch on the belt sander. Be sure to recycle. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate that. Thank you very much. Yeah, you know, as a matter of fact, even the guys at the lodge are real excited this week. You can tell because when you talk to them, they don't fall asleep as fast. Harold has really done it this time. He's locked up a contract with the u.S. Armed forces to use possum lodge as part of their training centre. Apparently they like coming to places that are already environmental disasters. Uncle red! [ cheers and applause ] they'll like anything, harold. I got your gift. Thank you very much. Harold, it was the least I could do. I know. What is it? Well it's a fishing lure. It's for catching bass. It's called a bass-ackwards. It's got a lead sinker right inside there. You can catch anything near the bottom with it. Wow! That's -- that's... Okay. No problem. Thank you. So when are you expecting the troops to come rolling in, harold? When do we see the tanks and the anti-aircraft guns come thundering down the -- [ laughing ] what are you talking about? I'm talking about the army camp from the states. The thing you booked. I didn't book any army camp from the states. I booked the boy scouts from st. Catharines. Boy scouts? You mean we're not getting colin powell's men? No. We're getting baden-powell's boys. Why would boy scouts want to come to possum lodge? Well, they volunteered to help clean up around here. And you know what? They've also volunteered to help teach you guys to survive in the outdoors, 'cause what you don't know can hurt you. What I do know can hurt you, harold. All right, look here. Look here. These are signal flags, right? So... What does this mean? The hockey game's on. It's eight o'clock. See, you got things to learn, even at your age. But anyway, thank you very much for the lure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very kind of you. Ah! Ow! Oh! I told you it'd catch anything near the bottom, harold. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon for a million... Coupons. But if you have a fireplace, all the coupons are flammable. And all the coupons are staple free, so they make an excellent bathroom accessory. Okay, cover your ears, mike. Red, you have 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... Yeah, okay, winston. And... Go! All right, mike, this is kind of an old-fashioned word. People don't say it anymore. Please. Okay. Okay. What do you call a really big piano? Hard to steal. No. Okay. Something that's impressive, imposing and substantial is said to be... Pamela anderson. Okay, think of your own family, okay? In relation to you, your father's father is... Anybody's guess. Okay, red, you're almost out of time here. I know. I know. Okay, mike, this is another word for $1,000. A bribe. But this is not a bribe. Well, that's what I said, but the grand jury wouldn't go along with it. There you go! [ applause ] [ ♪ ] announcer: What happens when you combine the raw power of a 23-year-old rusted out diesel engine with a 3,500-gallon sewage tank? [ gagging ] vroom, vroom. ♪ vroom, vroom, vroom ♪ ♪ vroom, vroom, vroom ♪ ♪ vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom vroom ♪ ♪ vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom ♪ [ ♪♪ ] my wife bernice bought some new furniture, but instead of getting a full-size couch, she got this love seat. I'm not happy. Oh, sure, love seats are fine for ladies sitting there watching oprah. But a man on a love seat is kind of like riding side saddle. I need my space. I need room to stretch out. So I need to find a way to have a love seat for bernice that will also double as a full-size couch for me. And that's today's project, right here on handyman corner. Here's a small glimpse into the world of inspiration and how it can enter your life if you're one of the gifted. See how this works? This is an extension ladder. So I'm thinking, with this second unit right here, we can make an extension love seat. Okay, now, the extension love seat works on exactly the same principle as the extension ladder, except with a lot less aluminum. Bottom line: One part's gotta fit inside the other. So what I'm going to do is lop off the right side of bernice's love seat here. Well, actually it's my left; it's your right. It's stage left -- camera --- okay, this end right here. Okay, now, to make this work right, you gotta haul most of the stuffing out of the back and the seat of the main unit. Okay. Really starting to take shape, isn't she? Now my smaller love seat can slide into and out of the existing unit. The big question is, how do we get it to slide? And the big answer right over here. You know, you can get these carts at any grocery store. They only cost a quarter. I don't know how they can afford to stay in business. Okay, I got the grocery cart wheels mounted on the bottom of my second love seat, and I rolled her into place. I tell you, bernice is going to flip out when she sees this baby. You see, now it's a love seat, where she can sit and do her needlepoint and tell me what a great guy her dad is. But when it's my turn, I get to put my feet up and stretch out. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, a man's got to do what a man's got to do. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] you probably heard them say that to err is human, but to really mess up you need a computer. I'm actually old enough to remember the years b.C... Before computers. Back then the only use for silicon we knew about was from looking at pictures of pin-up girls, which was also our introduction to the concept of virtual reality. Life was a lot simpler when "boot up" and "log on" was something you did when you wanted to warm your feet by the fire. See, computers were in their infancy then, and, like all infants, they eventually grow up to be teenagers and then take over your life. And in the last few decades, computers have slowly but surely taken over every aspect of our existence. And there have been a bunch of us who have fought it every step of the way from punch cards to p.C.S. Well, I salute the effort, but I'm here to tell you the battle is over and we lost, baby. We lost big time. The palm pilots have landed. Lay down your arms and get carpel-tunnel syndrome like everybody else. The enemy is at the gates. Heck, the enemy may even be named gates. Remember, I pulling for you. We're all in this together. If you've got a septic that sputters and sprays; if it smells like cattle that've been round to graze; rothschild's will find your house through the haze. We come in a truck and leave in a daze. Well, the boy scouts are all here. About 100 of them wandering around the lodge, telling us everything we're doing wrong. It's a dream come true. [ whistles and applause ] you all set? Yeah, I think so. Okay! Okay! C'mon in, bobby. This is your table right here. Okay, if the contestants are all set and ready to play -- get on with it, harold. Okay. Okay. All right. Memory is a very important survival tool, all right? So our first event will be a memory challenge. All right, uncle red, bobby, you have ten seconds to memorize everything on this board. Time's up. Okay. Uncle red, you go first. All right, uh, I believe there was a picture of a young lady. And, uh... A bikini. And then there was... A pink bikini, I think it was. Very good. Very impressive. Bobby. A compass, a fishing lure, a pair of scissors, a knife, a comb, a whistle and a girl in a bathing suit, and I think her name was jennifer England. Yes! Oh, very good! Yes. The score now is five points for bobby, one for uncle red. No, no, no, I should get two, because I got the model and the bikini. All right. One. All right, our next event, what I would like you to do, you've got two pieces of rope on your table. Please tie them into a reef knot. And go. [ harold hums theme to jeopardy ] oh, excellent! Yes. Very good. All right. Bobby has a reef knot and six points. Uncle red? [ laughter and applause ] uncle red has one point and a ball of twine. All right, our next event will be, I want you to start a fire, but only using the wood that is on your table. And begin! [ applause begins ] no. No. No. No. No! Just wait a minute. This is red green. Yeah. Yeah. Well, harold, this is not important anyway. If you want a real competition, let's have it out in the bush where it counts, okay? The men of possum lodge challenge you boys scouts to a race, okay, from the lodge up to rock reef point and back. No boats, no vehicles, no shooting guys out of cannons. Just, you know, compasses and a pocket knife. That's it! All right. That's fine. Then we accept your challenge. Bobby, go tell the others. We're going to beat you so bad. Which was is rock reef point? Just follow us, harold. Red: Walter and I needed to split up some wood. The weather was getting a little colder, so -- we just had the one axe, so we'd kind of take turns on there. So I said, I'll go first. This is how you do it. You just come down, there's your split. And now walter's turn. Walter, he's a muscular young fellow. But he didn't notice this one had a few extra knots in there. So when it went in, boy, she stuck right in there. And couldn't get it out, and now what do you do? And he's trying to horse her out and I'm thinking, there's two ways to go with an axe... If it won't come out, you got to drive it farther in. So I get the sledge hammer. Now, hold her loose, walter, don't hold it tight. That's gotta -- there's a lot of -- those are not good vibrations. So I thought if you can't get the axe off the log, why don't you pull the log off the axe. So I duct taped the axe handle to the tree, and I wrapped the chain around the log. So the idea, just put that around the hitch there, and I could just pull her off -- pull the log right off the axe. Unfortunately, I probably should have tied the knot on the hitch, and walter noticed that the chain was actually starting to slip now on the ball. And he ran out to kind of fix that so it wouldn't just come ight off and go loose. And he got her snugged up just in time and and what happened there -- I couldn't believe it -- the duct tape let go. And coming right at me -- oh! And by golly, he's away. So I turn around and I spot him, but too late. He did a kind of crack the whip thing, and he went right up a tree. So I figure I'd pull him down with the chain, but just the chain came down. Oh, there he is. Okay. All right. And now, of course, the axe is starting to come out of the log and... Oh, boy. That's gotta hurt. And here comes the log, and we got her split! [ applause ] [ ♪ ] conventional wisdom these days says that size doesn't matter. Well, if there's two words I don't relate to, it's conventional and wisdom. So for guys like me, size does matter, in cars, houses, televisions and yes, even waffles. ... Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Okay. All we need to add now is the maple syrup. For our climate, I recommend... 10-w-30. It's time for the experts portion of the show, where we explore those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! That's right. All right. Today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts, "I am really bugged by my neighbours. "they make noise night and day, "and they're always having loud arguments. "they don't clean their yard or even cut the grass "and now they're selling car parts on the front lawn. "what can I do?" well, I think we've got to ask ourselves two questions. First of all, what exactly are the car parts? And what does the guy want for them? He doesn't say. Well, I don't know what you can do about the noise, and as for the arguments, you know, I say let them be. Sure, arguments can be therapeutic. Arguing is about the only communication I have with ann marie. You know, except for the apologizing and then the begging and the talking to myself in the garage. You know, I think our letter writer needs to take a mature approach and just simply call the neighbour and ask him nicely if he would mind being a little more thoughtful. Well, I don't agree with you guys at all on this one. I think a man fights fire with fire on that. I mean, if he's letting his lawn go for three weeks, you let yours go for six weeks. If he's got chain saws running, you rent a pile driver. If he's parking on his lawn, get yourself a school bus with the kids still in it. I don't know about that, red. You know, sometimes you can be a little confrontational. Everyone gets their back up. I'm in the sewage business, and I know what a backup is. It's like a septic tank. You want to relieve the pressure, not increase the pressure, 'cause one day she'll blow, and then everybody's got egg on their face. You know, it depends who you talk to. Some people are reasonable and open to change. I've never met him. Sounds like this guy's neighbour could be pretty set in his ways. I'll tell you what I would do. I would get some of those green garbage bags, and I would put all of my junk into them, all my garbage and everything. And I'd go up on the roof of my place and just pitch 'em right through the windows of that guy's place. That'd wake him up. Red, the guy'd probably go to jail for that. And he ain't gonna like his neighbours there. Well, you know, winston, maybe so in the city, but in the country you'd probably get away with it. Where does the guy live, anyway? Oh, there's no return address. Local postmark, though. [ laughter and applause ] [ applause ] oh, yes! Oh, yes! I guess you can tell who won the race to rock reef point. I'm good, harold. Don't worry about me. You brought this on yourself, uncle red. Hey, I got lucky. They kept with other guys there for observation. I'll tell you something, harold. You know, technically, we won the race. We were back to the lodge before you guys were. You were in an ambulance. You guys are just too old and out of shape to be climbing rock reef point. Rock reef point wasn't a problem. It was mercury creek. Our man-made bridge collapsed. We had too little support and too much moose thompson. Well, I hoped you learned something. I did. I did. I learned that duct tape doesn't stick to bark. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, okay, har -- how can me have a meeting if all the guys are in the hospital? I invited the boy scouts. Oh, great. Yeah, okay. I'll be down eventually. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And harold's right. I did actually learn a couple of things today. Number one, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and number two, you really can't tell the difference between hardwood and softwood trees when you land on them at about 100 miles an hour. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] here he comes. Don't laugh. He worked hard. Sit down. Sit down. [ stifling a laugh ] all rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right... Men, bow your heads for the... Scouts' prayer. I'm a scout, but I can lighten up, if I have to, I guess. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com